At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
