can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sober January is a disaster.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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