hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All I want is dick and wine.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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