it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
