I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish you could order shots online.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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