just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
