How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
