Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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