Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
