so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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