Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
