you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
