I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
