look no pants
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she told me i tasted like america
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
