He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
