Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
