I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
