My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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