my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize