First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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