I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
