just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
