So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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