Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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