I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
