ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
