why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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