I'm pants shitting drunk right now
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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