I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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