My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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