I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
