dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
