New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize