so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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