His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
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I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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