nut hugger
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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