What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize