did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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