no, he came in my armpit
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
