Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
