the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
