Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
