I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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