at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
splinters make it hard to masturbate
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
