No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
