Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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