Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize