my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
