Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
