I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
