This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
