Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
