Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
