I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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