I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
