There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
