My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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