she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They took my balls.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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