I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
