bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
